Clean Funny Jokes About Being Punished
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.
Great idea; terrible execution.
I would never resort to plotting revenge on an ex.
Just her having to acknowledge that she slept with me is punishment enough.
What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two wives.
Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.
They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches?
A glutton for punishment.
Urugay still complaining about Suarez punishment:
"Don´t forget that 4 human months are 2 dog years."
Punishment
Not talking to your husband to punish him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning!
So I heard Charles Manson is getting married..
Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.
When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa
Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess.
You can explore punishment penal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean punishment commit dad jokes. There are also punishment puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory....
I just have problems with its execution.
An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
What happens when doughnuts join a sorority?
They have to go through the glazing.
I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.
I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today
Stupid capital punishment
What do you call a bad pun?
Punishment.
Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat...
Is a gluten for punishment.
What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise?
Punishment.
what is the punishment for polygamy?
multiple mother in laws
There are no gay people in Russia...
There are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.
Cr
The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant..
I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.
I heard that wordplay was illegal.
Apparently there is serious PUNishment.
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
When I was a kid I was diagnosed as gluten intolerant.
When I misbehaved my mom would make me eat a bunch of white bread. A gluten for punishment kind of thing.
Wife: He makes puns all the time
Therapist: You should punish him
Husband: But every punishment to be different
WHY DID THE PRISONER TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE?
THEY WERE SENTENCED TO CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.
Suicide is illegal
The punishment is death
Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...
He was a gluten for punishment
What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?
A minor touch and you get capital punishment.
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.
This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?
You would be stoned to death.
The pun-ishment of notes
When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Why was the English teacher arrested?
She practiced capital punishment in her classroom.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.
When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Why should polygamy be legal?
Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!
A sacrificial lamb is really nothing more than
a mutton for punishment.
Everyone remember: forward slashes are for websites, back slashes...
are for punishment.
A Jewish man's mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...
The judge says, Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange. Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, WAIT! The whole room is shocked. What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment? Asks the judge. Oh No. I think it's very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...
There is a type of capital punishment where the executioner yells mispronounced words at the inmates until they die.
It's called lethal inflection.
I don't know about you, but I support capital punishment
Everyone in the capital should be punished
Once in school, I spelled redundant wrong
The teacher made me write it 500 times as a punishment.
My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.
I guess it was great concept, poor execution.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.
There is a three year waiting list.
What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?
A glutton for punishment...
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
I once knew a soldier who was into BDSM.
Corporal Punishment.
The Stanley Cup Finals left me so angry last night..
I demand capital punishment.
God's punishment
God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.
Donald Trump is convicted of treason
His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.
Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus
but I think they really nailed it.
I can't stop making puns
Some say it's a gift. Some say it's a punishment
Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?
Owlcatraz
Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.
You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.
As a punishment I was once made to answer a difficult question while riding up and down the elevator.
....
It was wrong on so many levels.
....
Have you heard a joke about capital punishment?
Apparently, they're very hard to execute.
A long time ago, in the middle east
There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.
Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in public. Mere days later, a mysterious disease swept through the town and killed every last one of them.
They should have obeyed the Quran teen.
Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is divine punishment against homosexuality.
Has tested positive for the virus!!!
I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka
I never did hear the end of it
My teacher randomly capitalizes letters on an assignment when someone misbehaves
It's their capital punishment
I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.
It's called, "Mime and Punishment".
I was misbehaving in class...
I was misbehaving in class one day, and was sent out of the classroom to the head's office.
He said to me This is the 4th time this week! We're going to have to take this further. I'm going to call your father and ask him to come down so we can discuss your punishment.
I can't wait to meet him!
A man was sent to hell after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
What a joke! he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...
insufficiently.
There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up.
Pun-ishment
God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.
G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"
J : "All done"
G : "What?"
J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"
G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."
So I learned some interesting things today
I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete out, where one out of every ten men would be executed. It seemed like there was definitely some kind of joke or word play I could make out of that, but I couldn't find any.
There was no pun in ten dead.
What is the consequence for a cringey pun?
A Punishment
What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition?
Capitol Punishment
A guy murders his parents.
He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.
The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"
The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."
A soul is sent to hell.
"Get me the manager! I demand to know why I am in Hell!" the soul shouted.
The fallen angel sighed. "We rebelled against God."
"That's no reason to punish me!"
"You do not understand. You were not sent here to be punished by us. You were sent here as punishment to us."
Has anyone noticed that (i) looks like (I) that's been beheaded?
Capital punishment?
What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?
A gluten for punishment
If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?
I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?
A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.
He was a gluten for punishment.
A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7
Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.
Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?
One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.
Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment...
Or is that a Private matter ?
What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?
Multiple mothers-in-law.
What punishment was given to the electrician?
He got grounded.
What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?
He got suspendered.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/punishment-jokes.html